An Admission

   Can I admit something? All my life I've faced my fears, consciously.  Oh... I have fears. 

  I grew up with a father plagued by paranoia. Great man, extremely smart, amazingly gifted, but...well, and I don't want and not trying at all to dishonor him.. he just lived in such "fear" that he shut himself out from the world. 

  Honesty is hard, but saying these things might help me slay some current dragons... I have always rejected living in abnormal fear. Paranoia. I "get" it. (meaning, I understand it!) And yeah, I may have leanings that way, but knowing in my core that I'm SOLID, has grounded me in knowing I can conquer and overcome.

   But today I want to admit that I'm not as strong as I try to be. My broken heart needs mending, and the fight makes me weary. I truly don't know how mom has always fought so hard, with nothing, I have so much more than she ever did... I have her as a great role model in keeping up the fight for right and to overcome all odds. My sister is also my hero. Such strong, STRONG women. And dad is my hero, too. He is wonderful, as is my brother, Jeff.

   I promise, unless I die an early death, stories will be written and presented that may help folks understand a kind of struggle most people don't live in. The shoes this family fills are tattered but made from the greatest of hides...and are made to last. They shine up nice, too.

   Beautiful shoes I will continue to wear, proudly. A badge of sorts, that as a child, was difficult to "own" under the shame of the world. Still...the "shame" of being in a family with "mental illness" is finally subsiding.

   Labels like this aren't normally displayed with honor. But that's exactly what I want to do. Give it honor. Teach others that there's an opportunity for compassion and empathy, albeit hard to understand and sometimes be around.

   It's serious, and the world needs to know that pills aren't the end-all, and therapy helps, and kindness is paramount, and necessary.

   But we don't live in utopia. People can be cruel. Life is hard, for everyone. Everyone has their own issues...I get that. I'm just here to purge today's demon. Fear has no place at this table.

   My heart is fearLESS, and will continue to be. And I will be writing...so many stories. This one is a vent. And one leads to the next...and the next... So I let "this" flow. It helps. Admitting that I'm scared and worried and sad isn't all bad, is it?

   We all get that way sometimes, don't we? ...now I'm rambling. (sorry). My fingers felt the need to spill some guts. And it has helped.

 So, thanks, 

Jackie

 #practicallyablog #sorrysosad #emoonmysleeve #TGIF #noHURRICANEhere #findingMyLegs